just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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