K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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