Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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