I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.