How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
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It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
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I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize