Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
