I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
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