cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
