I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.