My sheets look like a crime scene.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?