OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.