I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.