And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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