PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
