I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
