I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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