Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
