last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
