Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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