The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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