i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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