Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
The air taste purple.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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