Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I think I just sharted jello shots
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
