he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
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