Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
