fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
