We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
