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You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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