Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
