I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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