I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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