its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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