I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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