she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
