I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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