we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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