I am in a vortex of obligation.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
