I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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