I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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