so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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