I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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