I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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