If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options