just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.