he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.