I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
