Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
