I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
