I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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