I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
