there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
