I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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