corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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