note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We're too hungover to prance.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
