dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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