Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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