Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
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