I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
